Category Archives: crooked leg

human

i have been weepy all day. yes, i am PMS-ing, but i have never cried prior to my cycle starting. (is this really the place to be talking about this?) honestly, i have been and am still weepy. i have lots of theories why. i am scared. i am in pain. but i am also happy. i tell the people i love that i love them. i have started kissing people on the cheek. this whole experience has taught me (again) that i need to ask for help. that i am capable of asking for help. i realize that i am vulnerable and capable of making emotional commitments to the people i love. i realize (and am starting to accept) that i am human. which is why i am scared and in pain but also happy.

Accident

I just bore weight on my left leg – eek! Nothing happened, except I cursed my own name for being so thoughtless. I guess it’s a good sign of how I feel, but I’m going to have to watch myself. I need a babysitter (and a better memory) more than anything else.

healing + dealing

i was advised not to heal too fast. have you ever seen me do anything slowly? i mean, really slowly. i have never been here before. i had surgery almost 3 weeks ago and my brain can barely remember what it was like to be in the hospital. i can be poked in my upper leg now, but you look at my knee wrong and it jumps. and my achilles tendon seizes when i flex my foot. i know i can do this. i know i can get better.

it’s hard for me to see the progress. not because i don’t want to, but i’m not an impartial observer. i have expectations and baggage.

i feel a little lost. like this isn’t me. i go outside just to remember that there are millions of people out in the world who have their own joy, pain, and progress.

i can tell you that my life was scarier when i didn’t know what was going on, when i didn’t have hope, and when i pushed my life away.

amongst all of this confusion and trauma, how do you know when you’re better?

plateaus

haven’t had much to say recently. feel like i’ve plateaued. note to self: do not get discouraged. i think i’m getting more flexible in my knee but it’s slow going. and my knee is still a little swollen and bruised. the swelling in my ankle has gone down but the bruise is still there like a bad tattoo. i have a little calf pain in the morning that i’m keeping an eye on…and my appetite – what has happened? i can’t eat too much fruit in the morning – too acidic. stopped craving coffee, too. everything has changed. ok, don’t overthink this. recovery takes time. and maybe the big steps happened very quickly, but maybe you should give some time to the little steps so they can happen, too. true healing always takes some time.

fear

for the longest time, i was “stiff leg” – not crooked leg. but after meeting with my surgeon earlier this week and a little dose of removing my head from my you-know-what, i’m making huge strides. (perhaps strides isn’t exactly the right word…)

i can now get in and out of bed, i can put on my clothes and socks, i can sit at the kitchen table (sort of), i can lift my leg in the air when i’m both sitting and lying down. this is actually huge for me because right after surgery, i couldn’t even elevate my foot an inch.

ok, sure, i still can’t bend my knee 90 degrees, but i’m sooooooo close.

sutures

i got them out today! actually, it was just one suture made of something like dark blue fishing line. i only experienced a slight pinch as the end came out, but the weirdest part for me was when the nurse cleaned the wound with alcohol and an oversized q-tip. i could barely feel anything. i knew something was rubbing along my leg, but i couldn’t tell exactly where it was located. it was like half my leg disappeared. creepy. i wonder when the feeling will come back.

Restless

I just couldn’t get comfortable last night. Tummy upset. Anxious. Leg twitchy. I kept m up all night. How awful! For some odd reason, I was awake + alert long before she was this morning. So I listened to some music and cuddled my bunny.