OMG! fall off already…

days
the past 2 and the next 2
and today
i sit in bed
avoiding work
maybe avoiding other things
but always
there comes a breeze
into my room
brightly lit by the afternoon sun
reflecting
everywhere
this breeze
arrives at two
leaves by four
blinds gently tapping
against the window
it pushes into the room
kisses my ear
my cheek
my nose
i put on socks
slide deep inside the covers
close your eyes
enjoy the chill
the fresh air

i have been weepy all day. yes, i am PMS-ing, but i have never cried prior to my cycle starting. (is this really the place to be talking about this?) honestly, i have been and am still weepy. i have lots of theories why. i am scared. i am in pain. but i am also happy. i tell the people i love that i love them. i have started kissing people on the cheek. this whole experience has taught me (again) that i need to ask for help. that i am capable of asking for help. i realize that i am vulnerable and capable of making emotional commitments to the people i love. i realize (and am starting to accept) that i am human. which is why i am scared and in pain but also happy.

i was advised not to heal too fast. have you ever seen me do anything slowly? i mean, really slowly. i have never been here before. i had surgery almost 3 weeks ago and my brain can barely remember what it was like to be in the hospital. i can be poked in my upper leg now, but you look at my knee wrong and it jumps. and my achilles tendon seizes when i flex my foot. i know i can do this. i know i can get better.

it’s hard for me to see the progress. not because i don’t want to, but i’m not an impartial observer. i have expectations and baggage.

i feel a little lost. like this isn’t me. i go outside just to remember that there are millions of people out in the world who have their own joy, pain, and progress.

i can tell you that my life was scarier when i didn’t know what was going on, when i didn’t have hope, and when i pushed my life away.

amongst all of this confusion and trauma, how do you know when you’re better?

haven’t had much to say recently. feel like i’ve plateaued. note to self: do not get discouraged. i think i’m getting more flexible in my knee but it’s slow going. and my knee is still a little swollen and bruised. the swelling in my ankle has gone down but the bruise is still there like a bad tattoo. i have a little calf pain in the morning that i’m keeping an eye on…and my appetite – what has happened? i can’t eat too much fruit in the morning – too acidic. stopped craving coffee, too. everything has changed. ok, don’t overthink this. recovery takes time. and maybe the big steps happened very quickly, but maybe you should give some time to the little steps so they can happen, too. true healing always takes some time.

for the longest time, i was “stiff leg” – not crooked leg. but after meeting with my surgeon earlier this week and a little dose of removing my head from my you-know-what, i’m making huge strides. (perhaps strides isn’t exactly the right word…)

i can now get in and out of bed, i can put on my clothes and socks, i can sit at the kitchen table (sort of), i can lift my leg in the air when i’m both sitting and lying down. this is actually huge for me because right after surgery, i couldn’t even elevate my foot an inch.

ok, sure, i still can’t bend my knee 90 degrees, but i’m sooooooo close.

yay! i’m sitting outside @ cafe bolivar. tummy is full of arepas and tea. just took a short walk 2 keep leg limber. i’m not sure i’ve ever been so content.

I was @ cedars today. Again. This time for my hip MRI. The best part was when the guy helped me out of the machine and his name tag was getting sucked into the tube. He kept moving around and leaning but his name tag stayed in the same place in mid-air. We spent almost the same amount of time talking about my vibram fivefingers as I did getting my hip scanned. The other cool thing was that my crutches fit in my valuables locker. The advantages of being short. I probably shouldn’t find that cool but I don’t get out nearly enough. At least not anymore.