i have sat in bed all day reclaiming my life: paying bills, making phone calls, organizing, shredding. a lot of things pile up when you stop doing what you do for 4 weeks. i’m not sure i’m ready for this yet. i kind of like doing nothing. it’s a nice change of pace from the past 34 years of doing way too much way too fast.
Category Archives: posts by j
feelings. nothing more than feelings.
no, this isn’t going to be a weepy, sappy, poignant post. nor will it be the lyrics to a song from days long past. remember the post where i said i had lost most of the feeling in my leg? well, that feeling is coming back. and then some. the surprising thing is that as the feeling comes back, i don’t have as much pain as i expected. this really hasn’t been an excruciatingly painful experience. yes, i have new tightness in my ankle as all of the bruising slowly tracks down my leg and then gets reabsorbed. but my fear of pain was always stronger than the actual pain itself.
the worst part of this whole thing: the nausea, loss of appetite, and inability to poo.
rejected
ok, since i’m being so honest these days, i should reveal that i am afraid of rejection. it paralyzes me. it keeps me from making phone calls. it keeps me from asking for favors and help. i reckon it also keeps me from being vulnerable.
i forgot m’s credit card payment last month due to surgery brain and i paid a hefty $19.55 price for this forgetfulness. i called right away on the $19 late fee but when the $0.55 finance charge showed up yesterday, i figured i’d just pay it and forget about it. instead, i took a big, deep breath and called to ask that it be included in the courtesy credit. and it worked. i was not rejected. seems awfully trivial, this little finance charge, this little victory. but i faced my fear and i’m still alive.
i have no illusions that i won’t ever be rejected again, but at least i can say that i won this one.
human
i have been weepy all day. yes, i am PMS-ing, but i have never cried prior to my cycle starting. (is this really the place to be talking about this?) honestly, i have been and am still weepy. i have lots of theories why. i am scared. i am in pain. but i am also happy. i tell the people i love that i love them. i have started kissing people on the cheek. this whole experience has taught me (again) that i need to ask for help. that i am capable of asking for help. i realize that i am vulnerable and capable of making emotional commitments to the people i love. i realize (and am starting to accept) that i am human. which is why i am scared and in pain but also happy.
Accident
I just bore weight on my left leg – eek! Nothing happened, except I cursed my own name for being so thoughtless. I guess it’s a good sign of how I feel, but I’m going to have to watch myself. I need a babysitter (and a better memory) more than anything else.
healing + dealing
i was advised not to heal too fast. have you ever seen me do anything slowly? i mean, really slowly. i have never been here before. i had surgery almost 3 weeks ago and my brain can barely remember what it was like to be in the hospital. i can be poked in my upper leg now, but you look at my knee wrong and it jumps. and my achilles tendon seizes when i flex my foot. i know i can do this. i know i can get better.
it’s hard for me to see the progress. not because i don’t want to, but i’m not an impartial observer. i have expectations and baggage.
i feel a little lost. like this isn’t me. i go outside just to remember that there are millions of people out in the world who have their own joy, pain, and progress.
i can tell you that my life was scarier when i didn’t know what was going on, when i didn’t have hope, and when i pushed my life away.
amongst all of this confusion and trauma, how do you know when you’re better?
1810 – 2323
…the amount of time we spent at melisse partaking in the 13 course carte blanche menu. absolutely splendid but way too much food. We ended up eating 13 courses and burped up 7. Will post menu and pix shortly… UPDATE: pix below. UPDATE: menu below also
plateaus
haven’t had much to say recently. feel like i’ve plateaued. note to self: do not get discouraged. i think i’m getting more flexible in my knee but it’s slow going. and my knee is still a little swollen and bruised. the swelling in my ankle has gone down but the bruise is still there like a bad tattoo. i have a little calf pain in the morning that i’m keeping an eye on…and my appetite – what has happened? i can’t eat too much fruit in the morning – too acidic. stopped craving coffee, too. everything has changed. ok, don’t overthink this. recovery takes time. and maybe the big steps happened very quickly, but maybe you should give some time to the little steps so they can happen, too. true healing always takes some time.
fear
for the longest time, i was “stiff leg” – not crooked leg. but after meeting with my surgeon earlier this week and a little dose of removing my head from my you-know-what, i’m making huge strides. (perhaps strides isn’t exactly the right word…)
i can now get in and out of bed, i can put on my clothes and socks, i can sit at the kitchen table (sort of), i can lift my leg in the air when i’m both sitting and lying down. this is actually huge for me because right after surgery, i couldn’t even elevate my foot an inch.
ok, sure, i still can’t bend my knee 90 degrees, but i’m sooooooo close.
sutures
i got them out today! actually, it was just one suture made of something like dark blue fishing line. i only experienced a slight pinch as the end came out, but the weirdest part for me was when the nurse cleaned the wound with alcohol and an oversized q-tip. i could barely feel anything. i knew something was rubbing along my leg, but i couldn’t tell exactly where it was located. it was like half my leg disappeared. creepy. i wonder when the feeling will come back.